Contemplativity

Switchin' It Up

2006-08-11T10:51:00.001-05:00

The blog has moved to here. See ya there!

Questions

2006-07-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

There are just so many questions swimming around in my head. Some are haunting, some are silly, some are serious and some raise more questions than answers. I'm not really sad about them. I just have been thinking a lot lately. I guess you'd say I am a bit contemplative. Life can be so complicated sometimes. And yet it's so simple in the same breath. It's easy: we are to follow God. Plain and simple. And yet, it's much more complicated than that.

Following God requires sacrifice and devotion. It requires stumbling and getting up and going as hard as we can until we are finished. It may require our very exsistences on this planet. And yet it's all about trust. Having faith that God is the one doing the work. Knowing that He is holding us and with us-no matter what.

My questions are not really earth-shattering. Most people would think they are from the mind of a simpleton. And yet they plague me. They are so important and unimportant all in the same breath. Am I making any sense?

It all has to do with life. What battles are worth fighting and what aren't? Who am I? Who should I be? Am I ever going to be where I am supposed to be? Is God ever going to firmly let me know what His plans are for me? Will I ever lose weight so that others are happy with me? Am I ever going to be completely healthy?

These are just a few questions that swim inside of my mind. They don't consume me, but they are relentless in their pursuit of my attention. And I still don't know whether to move or stand still and let God move. I don't even have an inkling about what to do. And people might suggest everything. Try this or that. And I appreciate it, but I still don't know what God wants me to do. And His opinion is the only one that matters. Not even Paul's matters when compared to that. And so I go on searching and trying to figure it all out.

Maybe I just need to trust. Stop trying to figure it out. I know that I can't really do anything. He's the one who will perfect me and hold me and guide me. And maybe I just need to let go and just rest COMPLETELY in Him. I don't know.

I just keep remembering that what God has for me is far better than what I could imagine. I just wish I had a manual of "Step by Step instructions on what Rachel should do". Maybe I just need to read through the Bible and cultivate what needs to be cultivated. Maybe God's plan for me is not to be anything right now, but to learn. Maybe he doesn't have a "job" in mind for me right now because He wants to teach me other things. Maybe He wants me available for that one single moment when it's vital that I am here-for His glory and kingdom. I don't know. In the meantime, I'll just keep searching and trusting and praying. And I know that God will guide me. In His time.

But sometimes, it would be nice if I could pick the time!! ;o)

Uninspired

2006-07-20T16:24:00.000-05:00

Life for me, lately, seems so uninspired. I mean, I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not really apathetic. I just don't know which direction to go. I don't have any-I guess inspiration is the best word. I mean, I finally have a goal. I know where I want to be-I just am having trouble figuring out what I want to do to get there. I have the desire, but at the same time I'm lacking desire. KWIM?

I tend to be a deep thinker-and yet not a deep talker. I keep my thoughts to myself usually. So, I think about all that I would like to do with my life. I think about the fact that I want to live by Paul's motto: Acting like we're young while we're young. Seizing the day. I think about the social/political/moral change that I would like to see happen. And I think about how seemingly impossible it is for me to implement it or influence it in any way. And then I think about all I would like to to for God-the people I would like to reach, the places I would like to go. And I think about all of the limitations that I have preventing me from doing all of this.

It's really hard to know what to do and what not to do. I always think that it would be nice if God gave us exact instructions on what to do and where to go. And I always say, "If He did, we wouldn't have to trust. And if we didn't have to trust Him, we would all be stupid and never learn anything." And so, in comes the truth of it all. I have to trust God and let Him move or move me. I have to remain open to His will and listen for His direction.

What happens when you're not hearing? What do you do then? Do you move on your own? Do you just wait? Do you listen harder? And with those questions come others. Why am I not hearing Him? Am I doing something against Him? Am I not listening with the right heart attitude? Am I living my life the way that I should?

I end up back at the beginning. Not knowing what to do or where to go or how to change my life. It's a hard place to be. I never know why God puts me in this place. I know that it causes me to rely on Him for answers. It makes me wait on Him. Because if I wait on Him I will..."rise on wings of eagles and soar". He will give me direction and it will be even more grand than I could've imagined.

I know there are things that I need to correct and do more of. I fail-a lot. Everyone does, I think. They just don't let it show. They hide it and pretend to be oh so spiritual. They strive for perfection and miss the mark. It's a human-thing. And I embody it more that I would like-or should. I am striving for perfection. It's what God expects of me. If I wasn't striving for perfection-it wouldn't bother me near as much as it does when I fail.

I have this great fear-and I think it's good-of moving without God's direction. The old adage "God helps those that help themselves" doesn't ring true with me. Yes, I am His hands and feet. I wan to do all I can for Him and His Kingdom. I want to serve until I can't serve anymore. However, I don't do anything without knowing that it is His will. I know sometimes He'll close the doors right in front of me. I know that He'll lovingly redirect me if I get off of the path. I know that sometimes I'll move on my own. But I don't want to. I want to follow Him-not lead Him. I want to follow Him-not test Him. I want to follow Him-not push Him. I want to follow Him-not make Him into what I think He should be. I want to be like Him.

People may say that you have to take that first step yourself. Well, you do have to simply trust and go in His direction. But I do think that it is possible to do only what God wants of us. I think it is possible to do only His will and not our own-ALWAYS. Jesus did. I know that Jesus was perfect, but He was just like us. He was fully human. And yet, He always did what God wanted Him to do. He always asked for God's direction.

That is my goal. To seek out what He wants of me. To do what He asks of me. And to follow Him always. I can't do anything that He doesn't allow. But just because He allows it, doesn't mean it's the best thing. Or what He would have for us. So, here goes.

I am going to find some inspiration from the only place true inspiration dwells. I am going to spend some time in the presence of my Father. I am going to allow Him to teach me and inspire me and lead me and mold me. I am going to allow Him to make me whole again and breathe newness into me. I want to be reminded that God requires three things of me. To do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with Him. I think that I'm already starting to find myself again.

Sometimes

2006-07-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard this song by Nicole C. Mullen you're missing out. It describes life so perfectly. Lately I've had an overwelming peace that has kept me from feeling bad about not having children. I have been so at ease about everything. Resting in the fact that I don't need or deserve children and that God has perfect timing. And then the wind blows and the storms come up and my peace is disturbed.

All of a sudden like four or five different people (scrappers that I read blogs of) have announced their pregnancies. Seriously, I have no animosity toward them. I'm not jealous. I am extremely elated for these women. Really. It just hits me hard. It makes me sad. For those of you who have never had fertility problems-let me explain a little.

Each month is like a roller coaster. You hope and pray that your period won't come. When it does you grieve. Much like losing a child that you already have. For me-you add in the fact that my period isn't regular (sorry for TMI). So, it comes time for my period and it doesn't come. And it doesn't come. And you start to wonder. And you try not to wonder because it's just how it is. You wait as long as you can to take a pregnancy test. You take the test after waiting a month to a month and a half and it comes out negative. Every month is the same. It's devastating. (BTW, I haven't taken a test in a loooooong time) It really is a greiving process.

Someone explained it so that men could understand it better. It's like this: a man-what's his primary concern? Providing for his family. That's his job. If he couldn't provide for his family he would be devestated. Well, my greatest desire and function is to have children. To have that taken away is taking away the very core of a woman.

Anyway, I'm a little sad today-again. And yet, I know that I will come through it. I know that I will survive. Life is about fulfilling God's purpose and His will-not my own. It's just a hard day. It seems like everyone is pregnant and I'm not.

It's all gonna be okay. God knows what I'm feeling. He grieved over the loss of His own Son as well. You think about how big God is-just imagine that grief

Have a great day and remember to count your blessings each and every day-it helps!

Calling

2006-07-06T20:21:00.000-05:00

I have been wondering about my calling. I mean, I know I am to follow God and do what He wants. That's the problem though, I'm not really sure what He wants me to do. I've really been agonizing over it-especially today. There are a few things that I think I could do. I really love to work with people, but I'm not really social. I love to take pictures. I love to scrapbook. There are a couple of things I would love to do.

I would love to be a photographer. I know that my skills need work, but this is something that I think I really could do. The next step is figuring out what I would want to photograph. I want to offer something that another person wouldn't. Maybe photographing parties and get-togethers. After taking pictures at Madeline's party I've been thinking about that. Most moms and dads are really busy and want to enjoy the day. What if I took pictures for them? If you read this-please give me your opinion. I would do bridal/baby showers, birthday parties, anniversary parties, family reunions, graduation open houses, etc. Would you hire someone to take pictures at your event? What events? How much would you be willing to spend? Would you want prints offered-or would just the CD-Rom be okay? Would you want me to edit pictures (black and white or fun things)? It's just a thought that I'm wondering if I should more seriously pursue.

I would love to make albums for Altzheimer's patients. This is something that I would love to do. I know that albums of family are so precious to those losing their memory. I just think it would be cool. I would just charge for the cost of supplies-as it is already a trying time.

I don't know. PLEASE give me your opinions! I would love to hear what ANYONE thinks. Even if you think the idea sounds stupid!

My Season

2006-07-04T12:28:00.000-05:00

You Are Spring!

HopefulPlayfulSweetFreshAiry

What Season Are You?

Quizzical

2006-06-22T11:39:00.000-05:00

Some people find these quizzes annoying. I love them. It's a way I can share things that I normally wouldn't think to share. So, here goes.

1. FIRST NAME: Rachel

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I'm not sure. Father's Day-happy tears.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yuppers.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Ham-not the honey kind though, it has to be baked. Of course right now all I eat is Smoked Turkey-it's okay.

6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No :(

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Maybe, probably not. Unless I had the same personality and everything that I have now-Yes.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes, I have two, but I don't write in them very often. I used to write tons.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Not really.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes-and not think twice about it. I would prefer it be over water though.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I generally wear flip-flops. If I wear laced shoes-no.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes-even my brothers say I'm an ox.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Mint Chocolate Chip and Peanut Butter Cup

16. SHOE SIZE: 9 1/2

17. RED OR PINK? Red

18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My stomach-I'm working on it!

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My parents, sisters and brothers.

20. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Feb 16, 1983 in Ionia, MI

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Khaki Shorts and I'm barefoot (as usual).

22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? An apple and a glass of milk.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nothing, thanks for reminding me to put some music on!

24 IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I'd be a special crayon that would change colors with my mood and desires!

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Paul's neck, and the lilac WallFlower.

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? Scott

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? Their smile.

28. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can play the piano. Um, nothing else.

29. FAVORITE DRINK? Right now it's water-honest. I do love me a special root beer though.

30. FAVORITE SPORT? Basketball.

31. HAIR COLOR: Blonde, although it's getting darker as I'm getting older.

32. EYE COLOR: Blue with brown/gold around the pupil. Sometimes they're more greenish, other times bluish.

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No

34. FAVORITE FOOD? Mexican and Mom's biscuits

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Scary movies

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? A grey t-shirt.

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Autumn, then spring then summer and winter.

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Strawberry Shortcake

41. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers

42. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Nothing, I have a laptop.

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Children's laughter, a rushing river, babbling stream, waterfall, birds, wind blowing through prairie grass, wind blowing through leaves, I could keep going.

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME Seattle, Washington

46. IF YOU COULD PICK ANY TWO PEOPLE TO HAVE DINNER WITH, WHO WOULDTHEY BE The President and Laura Bush.

Myanmar

2006-06-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

I want to bring to your attention and prayers the country of Myanmar. This little country is #18 on the Open Doors World Watch List. This list ranks the top 50 countries where Christians are being persecuted. They have about 40 million people in the country and 5 to 10 percent of those are Christian. Voice of the Martyrs is present in that country and helps to train, equip and encourage the believers there. Please remember the Christians there this week. They are our brothers and sisters and they need to be uplifted. If you would like for information you can click on the VOM blog banner below. Or you can check out the VOM website here.

Cards

2006-06-18T18:33:00.000-05:00

I really need to start my own card company. Really. There are so many times that I would like to have a card-the perfect card. However, they don't make them for my occasions. My very different occasions.

I will share with you what I said to Paul today-the card I wanted to give him. First, I'll share with you some occasions that I would like a card for.

Sorry to hear about your breakup-for those who have recently had their heart broken. And not just a silly sentiment about how it will get easier. One that says, "I'm here when you need me. Hang in there. It stinks, but all you can do is cry out to Jesus."
Happy Anniversary of Our First Date-this is something that Paul and I celebrate. We try to go to Red Robin and a movie near that time. It's just a fun thing with great memories.
Bad Day-something along the lines of "I would like to make it better. What can I do to help?"
Happy National Scrapbooking Day!-of course, for those scrappers in your life.
You're Invited-to go out with me to dinner and a movie (or whatever). Just makes it seem more intentional and fun!
Thank-you for Your Prayers-for those who pray for you everyday and not necessarily only on special occasions.
Congratulations on you adoption-specialized for each country and state-even cities.
Congratulations! You survived your wedding!-for those who just want to be married and are forced to humor bunches of people through their wedding.
Congratulations on being a big sister/brother!-Obviously, for the siblings of the new baby.
I'm on my Way!-for the pregnant ones. A way to tell their loved ones they're expecting through the "voice" of their unborn child.
You're Facing A Difficult Decision-for those who have a loved one facing something life-changing (or not). Let them know you're praying for them.
Happy Second Anniversary-and so on and so forth.

I have bunches, but need to write them down when I think of them. Silly ones mostly, but some really heart-wrenching ones. Well, at least in my opinion. So, here's my Father's Day "speech" to Paul. That I wanted to put into a card, but didn't have the time to sneakily make. Yes, I got tears in my eyes when I said it. I know, I'm silly.

I wanted to put this into a card for you, but wasn't able to. If we'd have had our way, you would be a father right now. In fact, you would've been a father in time for last year's father's day. God had and still has different plans for us. However, I know that one day you will be a really wonderful father. You will be such a great dad. Happy father's day, Paul.

Corny? Yes. However, I think that for so many people Father's and Mother's Day remind them of their inability to have children. And, although it doesn't make me that sad-it does make me a little sad. And I know that it is really hard for some people. And I think it's important to remember those people. (No, I'm not trying to get attention-please don't take it that way!) It's not their decision-it's God's. And God has a special plan for them. Each one. But, it doesn't make the pain and loss any less. I just think it would be nice to remember those people amidst all of the excitement and celebration.

Anyway, Happy Father's Day. Maybe someday I'll have a crazy card company. Who knows? :)

I

2006-06-10T17:15:00.000-05:00

I found this on Christine's blog. I thought it was kind of cool. I thought it would give a glimpse into who I am today. I...

I AM: Growing in many ways.
I WANT: A child.
I HAVE: Been extremely blessed throughout my life.
I WISH: I could meet members of the persecuted church-in their own land.
I HATE: Disrespect, pride, and dishonesty.
I MISS: Playing the piano.
I HEAR: Paul-getting a snack ready in the kitchen.
I WONDER: What God is going to do in our lives.
I REGRET: Not taking a two-week honeymoon!
I AM NOT: Finished with my organizing (of the house).
I DANCE: Very seldom, only with Paul-alone. I would love to take lessons.
I SING: A lot! In the car, by myself, with Paul, etc.
I CRY: When I'm really sad, hurt or depressed. Sometimes for no reason at all.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: The wife and Christian that I should be.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Music. Especially when I'm all alone-with God.
I WRITE: Letters to Paul and on my blog.
I CONFUSE: Wants with needs all too often.
I NEED: Jesus, and Him alone. A lesson that is hard, and constant; and yet beautiful at the same time.
I SHOULD: Memorize more Scripture, witness more, help others more, and make some friends.
I START: By making lists. Of everything.
I FINISH: Books quite quickly. I love reading.

I challenge you to make your own list! Be sure to share it with me.

Ethics

2006-06-07T09:18:00.000-05:00

Can you teach people ethics? This question was posed in the paper today. It caught my attention. They had experts saying yes and experts saying no. So, I've been thinking about it.

I think that all people are born inherently evil. Sinful. Even a two month old, or a newborn is sinful. Here's where it all starts. We are born wanting to do wrong. Wanting to do bad. Wanting to sin. We want our own way, plain and simple.

Most people are taught what is considered right and what is considered wrong. Based on culture, country, and family heritage. For instance, I think it is immodest, rude, and whorish for girls (and women) to wear those skirts that just cover their butt-cheeks. I think it is wrong. Not just because it shows you don't value your body, but it causes men to stumble. Men see the beauty in women-God created them that way. However, they should only be able to see the majority of it in their wives. Another instance, premarital sex. Some people think that it really doesn't matter. It really does. It's a lot of work, but it is SO worth it-I know firsthand.

In these cases I think they can be taught what is right and wrong. I think that parents can mold their children and show them what is right. And show them to do it.

Now, how about human sacrifice? Not practiced in today's world, really. However, it was very prominent in cultures over the course of history. Is this wrong? Yes. Was it taught to the children? Yes.

I believe that they believed it was right-on the surface. I also believe that they knew it was wrong. God wrote His laws onto our hearts. They may be buried deep and hard to find, but they're there. If you watch the movie about Marilyn Laslo you will see it clearly. She was a missionary to Papua New Guinea and asked them what was right and wrong. They had never heard the Bible or anything. And their view of right and wrong was basically the ten commandments. Cool, huh?

So, can we teach people ethics? Yes and no. They already know the basics of right and wrong. It's ingrained on their spirit. They may deny it and supress it, but it's there. So, no-we can't teach them those things. They are already set. Yes, we can teach them the degree to uphold these things. The average woman knows not to expose her naked body to the world. However, how covered does one need to be? In her underwear (or a bikini-because they're the same thing)? Exposed shoulders? Covered to the knees? Full length skirts and slacks? What is appropriate and what isn't? Yes, we can teach them God's laws. How else would you explain the difference in behaviors between a saved and unsaved person? God changes us. He teaches us. We are constantly learing His laws and what He expects of us. Why do we sit in church? To learn how to act. To learn what to believe. To learn how to make the hard decisions.

I know my examples are simple. And I know that some things are grey-what's right for you may not be right for me. Such is the case in the clothing example. I have no problem with sleevless outfits. I do have a problem with sleeves that don't cover bra straps. Why? Because I don't think that everyone should see your underwear. Especially when you're wearing it. However, I don't have a problem with halter-style shirts. As long as the back comes up to cover your bra (or where it would be-if you don't wear one with a halter). See, shoulders aren't the problem. But, some people would have a problem with shoulders being exposed at all.

It's a complicated topic. Can you teach right and wrong? Yes. However, sometimes people take it too far. And sometimes people don't take it far enough. It's a topic that I will have to think about more. Those are just my thoughts on it today.

BTW- There is an awesome company called Modbe. They sell swimsuits that are modest for women and children. That is their whole purpose. To offer cute, but modest swimsuits. They also sell shirts.

Here's a link to their site: Modbe
Cammi has some good info about the suits, ordering, returns, sizing, etc. on her blog: In Love With Pink

I don't have one. And probably won't order one. I just got a new suit. But, next time I just might try it out.

So, what do you think? Can you teach people ethics?

Night Terrors

2006-06-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

Maybe you've had them. Maybe you've seen people that have them. If you have, I am so sorry.

I'm not talking about nightmares. Seriously, they are SO not the same. Nightmares are bad dreams. Sometimes scary, but they are just bad dreams. Do you want to know what I think night terrors are?

I believe that night terrors are specific attacks by Satan on us while we sleep. And you can call me crazy, but I've had them. And I remember them so vividly that it's crazy. Robbie has had them too. Think about how vulnerable we are when we sleep. We have no control over our dreams or what enters them. It is a great place for an attack. And it works on me. I get scared out of my mind.

Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep. I'm scared of the dark-yes, I am. But, I just had this irrational fear that demons were going to come after me. Paul stayed awake until I fell asleep-sweet man that he is. He's the one that has to get up for work. However, I think that he is finally understanding that I'm not making it up. As I was falling asleep I kept repeating verses out loud with Paul.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
"God did not give us the spirit of fear."

Think of that last one, 2 Timothy 1:7. That alone proves that night terrors are not from God. He doesn't give us fear. And that's what night terrors give me. I know that my children will have them-doctors tend to say it's a stage they go through. I don't think a doctor can help. I think that the only thing that will calm their little spirits and bodies is prayer. And I firmly believe that.

I was telling Paul last night about the one night terror of my childhood that I can remember. I was laying in my bed (the top bunk) with my eyes open. Were they really open, no. But I was looking at the ceiling and there were five or six ghosts (AKA demons) around me in a circle. Right in my face, looking down on me. And singing/chanting. I couldn't move. I couldn't scream. I was screaming and screaming in my mind, but no sound was coming out. And after a few minutes I woke up. Terrified. And I hid under my covers.

This morning I had another one. I went back to sleep after Paul went to work. In my dream I had woken up and looked at the door. It was shut, when I knew it had been open a moment earlier. And I started to hear chanting. I could not open my eyes or make any sound. I kept thinking, "I need to say the name of Jesus. I need to call out to him." And it took a couple of seconds, but I woke with a start saying the last syllable of the name of Jesus. And I asked him to protect me as I hurridly grabbed my books and clothes and ran downstairs. I sang Sweeter as the Days go By and Every Day With Jesus as I got dressed and got calmed down.

You can think I'm crazy. Adam and Paul made fun of Robbie and I about an incident a few months ago. Robbie slept on the floor of our bedroom.

She texted me asking, "Did you have bad dreams last night?" I told her I did. When she got home the conversation went something like this:

"Do you want to know how I knew you had bad dreams?"
"Yes."
"I had a dream and I could see you sleeping on the ground. There were demons around you, standing over you. Whispering to you, attacking you while you were sleeping. I tried to rebuke them with the name of Jesus, but they wouldn't stop. Then I woke up feeling a heavy concern on me. I started to read my Bible and pray, but it didn't help. So I went upstairs into my room to sleep on the floor. That didn't help. So, I tried laying in the hallway. It still wasn't good enough. The only way I found peace was by lying on the floor of your room. You were moving around a little and making noises like you were having a bad dream."

And I believe her completely. And I'm thankful to have a sister who is sensitive to spiritual warfare.

Why do I share all of these things? Well, first I'm still scared out of my wits. If I have never been in constant prayer before-I have been today. Second, I don't think enough people realize how real the spiritual world is, and how it affects our daily living.

I thought it amazing when my personality profile said that I was more apt to see ghosts or be psychic. I believe that ghosts are demons. Why do they manifest themselves that way? It gives false hope. It gives the hope that people who are in hell aren't. That living the way I want to is perfectly okay. It also causes trust in the wrong things. Trust in what you can see. And trust that dead people are protecting us instead of God. I also believe that psychics can tell the future in certain circumstances. And I believe that they think they really are channelling the dead. Why? Again it produces hope in the wrong things. It produces a false sense of security. It leads people astray which is Satan's primary goal.

My profile was right. I'm not psychic, nor have I ever seen a ghost. However, I am a little more in tune to the spiritual world than others. God has granted me with that. He's also granted Robbie with it as well. Paul doesn't have it. Neither does Adam.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my experiences and thoughts. I know it was kind of scattered, but I felt like I should share these stories. It helps show the importance to always be on guard and to learn Scripture. If not for those verses that I knew, it would've been hard for me to fall asleep last night.

Living

2006-05-30T11:13:00.000-05:00

I find myself taking the little moments for granted. I want life to pass quickly by, too often. Life is about living in the everyday. It's about living in the moment. It's about using each and every moment to glorify God. No matter if it's just thanking him and praising him for the beauty he has made. It's about cherishing each breath that God has given us. It's living each moment for Him, as if you had no other moment to live.

The first night in the Ozarks I sat up in the tent. Paul was sleeping as I looked out at the black woods in front of me. The beautiful stars shone above me and something walked through the leaves. It was just me and God. I have never felt closer to God than in that moment. He and I had a long talk about many things. About committment and love and life in general. About shortcomings, grief and pain. About everything. If you have never talked to God as if He were with you in that moment, sharing your feelings, being your friend-you haven't truly prayed. It had been a long time since I'd really had this type of conversation with God and felt so close to Him. So close that I could almost almost almost physically feel His arms around me.

Looking at such beauty stirred up a longing within my soul that had been buried for so long. A contentment that I have been missing for a long time. Suddenly, everything was okay. Everything was going to be okay. God was in complete conrol and He was my source of contentment, life, everything. He was the center of everything. At that moment I had to wonder if God didn't make the Ozarks just for me. To draw me closer to Him. To help me realize the most important things aren't really that important. To show me just how powerful He truly is. And to show me the extent He would go for me.

I came back from vacation a changed being. Those Ozarks ushered me into the presence of God unlike anything else in a long time. Those hills will always have a special place in my heart. I have always loved them and I always will.

Different people are touched by different things. The Ozarks are my "thing". Maybe it's the Ozarkian blood running through my veins, or perhaps it is simply my love of the outdoors. I don't know what it is exactly.

A question or two:

What is your "thing"? What is the one thing that will usher you into God's presence like nothing else?

And a challenge:

Find that "thing". Find it and make some time to pursue it. Allow yourself to be ushered into God's presence and dwell with Him there. If even for only a couple of minutes. Allow Him to change you and complete you and make you content. Allow Him to embrace you and comfort you and be with you. Even if you feel so close to Him right now, I don't doubt that those few moments or minutes or hours will refresh you and draw you even closer.

When we are close to God and dwelling with Him-that is truly living.

Needs

2006-05-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

It is so amazing how little we really need. It is so amazing how, when everything is in boxes, you miss so little. I really want to pare down the things that we own. There are some things that will be stored-Christmas things and some keepsakes. Everything else should either be used and displayed or gotten rid of. Even my scrapbooks. I am trying to keep them in prominent places so that they can be enjoyed. Even half-done scrapbooks.

It is quite amazing how much we think we need, but really don't. We haven't had television for two months now. And it is awesome! Sure, we watch a lot of movies and West Wing on DVD. However, we aren't consumed by television. If you have to stop everything to watch a certain show-it's an addiction. There are a few shows we would love to watch, but we decided we can watch them on DVD. Lost will come out with Season 2 soon enough, and I'm sure NCIS will as well. We will rent those that we just want to enjoy once (CSI, Survivor, etc) and plan on purchasing those we could watch over and over (The West Wing and LOST). We have the second and third seasons of The West Wing already. They were more than 50 percent off at Target. Meaning, we got two for less than the price of one. And two seasons for less than a month of cable. Or an antenna. So nice.

We don't need a land line. Our cell phones work just fine for us. We pay a little more than the price of one land line, but would want one cell phone anyway. It's just great!

People don't need as much as they think they do. I'm not against comforts or a little splurging. However, I want to simplify my life. And one of the ways I can do that is to get rid of a bunch of crap. If it isn't used or looked at it's going to St. Vincent's or in the garbage. Depending on where it is better suited.

Presidents

2006-05-11T13:55:00.000-05:00

I love learning about the Presidents. They fascinate me. Everything about the Executive Office fascinates me.

There was a thread on 2Peas about Jed Bush running for President in 2008. People were boo-hooing this notion and others were lauding it. Me, I dont' know what to think. Actually, I do. I know who I want to be President in 2008.

I want a President who:

Is God-fearing.
Will honor God in all of his decisions
Will make the decision that is best for humans created in the image of God, not just the decision that is best for the party, or America.
Will protect America, but will be respectful even in matters of war.

I want a President that has integrity and honor. That values human life whether it be American or Asian or whatever. I know that a President is human. I know that all humans are sinful and none are perfect. I also know that there is a way to live our lives for God, to the best of our pitiful human ability. THAT is what is important. And, unless we have a President that realizes this and actually does it I don't really care who is President. Honestly, I'll pick someone and root for them. Honestly, they will be conservative most likely. But, unless they are God-fearing, they won't have my heart. They will only have my vote. And THAT is extremely different.

I leave you with two quotes from The West Wing:

President Josiah Bartlet: I was wrong. I was, I was just... I was wrong. Come on, we know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is, but lots of times we do, and come on... this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset, but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything any more, we fuster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it", that's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame, so no one's guilty.

[sigh]

President Josiah Bartlet: *I'm to blame.* I was wrong.

President Josiah Bartlet: "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up.

Passion

2006-05-10T15:00:00.000-05:00

I am passionate about so many things. However, not many people know because I don't let them show. I really want to get more pro-active. I want to pursue my passions. To invoke change. If all I do is complain about the way things are I'm doing no good. If I don't use my talents they will be wasted. I'm not sure exactly what I am going to do, but I know that I really want to get involved. Maybe you have some suggestions? Here are my passions those that I simply enjoy and those that I want to pursue further.
1. Scrapbooking
2. Music
3. The Persecuted Church
4. Foreign Missions
5. Human Rights
6. Saving the Trees/Nature/National Parks/Beautiful Places/Etc.
7. Children's Ministry
8. Politics (seriously, I love politics. I wish I knew more about processes of legislation and stuff. I love it!)

I'm sure there are more. I just really want to pursue my passions. And use them in a way that is glorifying to God.

A Fallen World

2006-05-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

I just read a news article about a bunch of first and second grade boys that were molesting a little girl on the playground at school.

The Barna Group reports that 1 out of 3 6th graders has had sex.

We live in a fallen world. Each and every individual is born with a sin nature. Children are not born innocent, they are sinful from birth.

It makes me so scared to think about raising children. Paul and I have talked about it a lot. The thing that worries us the most is: What if we fail?. What if our children turn out to be monsters? Will we do a good job?

It is just such a sad reality. The family unit is failing. The Church is failing the family unit. The family is failing our children. What about our children? What will they be like? Will they take the burden that we've placed upon them and turn it all around. Or will things continue the way they are?

I can't help but think that Jesus must be returning soon. No, I'm not trying to predict. I just don't know how much worse it can get. And soon, all of the trees are going to be gone and we'd suffocate from oxygen deprivation anyway. And that wouldn't happen.

It's just such a sinful world. A fallen world.

Buying Babies

2006-04-27T15:20:00.000-05:00

Not like black market buying. Adoption. That's what is on my mind A LOT lately! I just wish God's plan was written down somewhere so that we would know what to do. However, that would negate the need for faith. Right?

Anyway, we've been thinking about adoption for quite some time. We even went to a meeting for adopting wards of state in MI. We were thisclose to starting the process when I went to the GYN and got some fertility meds.

What really is on my mind is how are we going to pay for this? Seriously. I know that financially we don't really have a LOT of income, but we have enough. Babies don't need two thousand toys and forty outfits. Seriously. And I want to go the cloth diaper route (to save money). I used to have a very cheap nursery in mind. However, we decided that we may only have one chance to do a nursery and so we might as well make it as nice as possible. However, I am going to think sensibly when buying. For instance, a convertible crib, so all we have to buy is a bigger mattress. And, no changing table-how often will it really get used anyway. I can use the top of a dresser!

We know exactly how we're going to decorate. We even have the paint colors picked out. And yet, are we going to have the money to do all this after paying for our child?

It could cost anywhere from $8,000 to $15,000. They have ways to do fundraising, but it still sucks. Why do I have to raise money for my child? Why do I have to be the one to have these issues. There are bunches of people who make $40,000+ more than Paul that just have a baby naturally. It is so crappy. And I know that God will provide for His plan to be met, but it's still so hard.

Here's my collection jar, please donate.

What are you collecting for?

For my children. To have them. To be able to actually afford adoption.

Crappy, crappy, crappy.

Ah well, I guess I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing. I don't have to like it, but I do need to accept it and concede that He knows best for me.

And yet it's still hard. Imagine something that you always wanted. ALWAYS. Something you always wanted to be. And imagine that you always assumed you'd have it. Everyone does. And then it gets ripped from your heart and stomped on. That's what it feels like. Above all else I've always wanted to be a mother. I want to do those fun things like teach them and play with them. Color Easter eggs with them and watch them open Christmas presents.

So, here's to buying babies and praying about God's will. We're still deciding what exactly we should do and what God wants for us. This is the worst part. Looking at the numbers and odds and waiting time and wondering what family would pick us to parent their child. Totally stinks.

Losing Fight

2006-04-25T14:55:00.000-05:00

I am losing the fight that I have for losing weight. I hate it. Why do I have to have a metabolism that causes me to gain weight? Why do others seem to get "skinny genes"? I just want to be happy with myself. I just want to be content.

Now don't get me wrong, I want to be healthy. I know that I'm not right now, but I'm changing that. I just don't want to feel bad when I look in the mirror. Or when I'm getting dressed. I don't want the thought, "Ugh, I am repulsive. How could anyone look at me? Why does Paul think I'm beautiful? He must be just lying to appease me. I am nasty looking" going through my head every few minutes of every day.

I want to be able to find clothes made to fit me that are nice looking (ie flattering and cute) that don't cost a fortune. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to work on the important things and not worry about this. I want to be a happy person who is in love with Jesus, Paul and life. I don't want to have to fight with this anymore. I just can't seem to get motivated to become "skinny" and I'm not sure why.

A little secret, if I lost weight I'd have a more likely chance to get pregnant. Another secret, I want a baby more than anything. Another secret, it still doesn't make a difference.

I can run around and play with the kids next door. I can walk without getting too winded. I can play sports for an hour or two and be okay. And if I did these things more often (ie if we had children) my stamina would increase. I just don't want to fuss over everything having to do with weight.

I just don't want to feel like crap about myself every single day of my life!! I want to feel beautiful and know that I am. I want to be happy with who I am now, not who I might never be. Yes, I'm always trying to become better at lots of things. However, I just want to give up the fight.

I don't know. Unless you've struggled with weight issues, I don't think you could ever understand. I know that every woman wants to be more beautiful or something, but this is just so different.

Blessings

2006-04-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

I am so blessed in my life and I often don't even realize it. Here are my list of blessings for today. (Mind you this isn't all of them!)
1. Neighbors that are friendly and helpful.
2. Living in a beautiful neigborhood with millions of children!
3. The fact that my 5-Day Club kit is on its way.
4. Paul's hard work to provide for me.
5. Flowers that are so beautiful you can't help but admire them.
6. Free entertainment through nature and the wildlife God has provided us.
7. A bed to sleep in.
8. Warm sunshiny days full of spring smells.
9. The while hyacinths in the yard.
10. Being able to go home and be welcomed with open arms.
11. Easter celebrations.
12. A home-cooked Easter dinner.
13. 59 cent cheesburgers and 49 cent hamburgers from McDonald's!
14. The words: Whoo Hoo!
15. Also: Woot! Woot!
16. For the journey that I am currently taking.
17. For the change that Jesus is working in me and on me daily.

How amazing it makes me feel to be able to reflect on what God has given me. It makes me stand in awe of Him and His glory.

Daily Gratitude

2006-04-04T14:05:00.000-05:00

This is my intention in April. Well, all of my intentions are for everyday. However, to practice daily gratitude is my focus in April. There are so many times that I forget to thank people for what they do for me. And it's not because I'm ungrateful, but I just get busy and forget. Which is sad and horrible at the same time. And so, I'm going to try to be sure to thank people right away this month. For everything-big or small. Whether they expect it or not.

Worse is that I forget to thank God for so much. Humans are humans and I need to thank them. But God, the Creator of the Universe and Lover of my soul? To forget to thank Him daily is horrible. And it's not so much daily, as much as I forget to thank Him for everything. EVERYTHING. Every little thing.

Again, I don't want to be complacent. Last week I concentrated on meditation as my spiritual discipline. To be in constant communion and conversation with God. This is something that I want to achieve in my own life. To say thanks for each and every little thing. To praise God for each and every blessing. To give Him the credit when I would love to keep it for myself. This is what I long for. It's my desire and my passion. I'm in anguish over my complacent attitude in the past. Why have I wasted so much time?

I go on from here with one word in mind: gratitude.

Weather

2006-03-30T11:05:00.000-06:00

Why is it that weather is associated with moods and feelings? And why does it affect us so much? We say "you're sunshiny today" or "his face is as dark as a stormcloud"? And it's true.

When it's beautiful and sunny outside, I want to run around and play like a child. I want to lay in some field somewhere and look at the clouds. I want to pick flowers and just live in the moment. I just want to sit with the sunshine on my face and be filled with peace and joy.

When it's thunderstorming I feel alive and yet distant. I feel invigorated-like I draw power from the storm. And I feel in awe of the majestic nature of it all. I feel amazed that I can witness something so stunning.

When it's warm I feel fresh. I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way.

When it's rainy (but warm) I just feel like standing in it. Thinking. It makes me feel thoughtful and delighted at a drop on the ground.

When it's cold I just feel like being cuddled and coddled. I feel like escaping it all into a movie or other comfort.

So many feelings brought on by so many changes in the weather. Today I feel reflective. I just want to sit and read and enjoy the beauty of the day. I want to watch the robins hop in the yard and listen to the birds singing and chirping. I want to look at the river and watch the geese and ducks sitting in it.

How does the weather affect you? Does it?

Why

2006-03-29T12:44:00.000-06:00

I didn't realize just how much Paul wanted a child until the other day. I hate buying and taking pregnancy tests-it's a waste of money. I've taken probably twelve in my life now. All negative of course. Sorry for TMI but my last period was the weekend after Thanksgiving. It's great, because I don't have to worry about cramps or anything. But it sucks because it means no ovulation either. Anyway, I took a test the other day just before Paul was getting ready for work. He started to get changed and then got really angry with me. And I wasn't even doing anything. I asked him why, but he just was angry. A few minutes later I found out why. He says, "How can it be? How? Why does God give people who are not Christians, people who are lousy parents children? Why does He give people two, three, or more children and not give us even one? Even though I know God's plan is perfect, it makes me want to say 'Why God?'". I had no idea that he felt so deeply for himself. I know that he feels bad for me, but I never knew how deep his desires ran as well. And it sucks. Because if he was with another woman, she could give him children. She could give Karla nieces and nephews. She could give his mom more grandchildren. And it really sucks. Because I know it's not my fault, but I want to give them these things so bad. I want Paul to be able to have his child look up at him full of adoration. For him to teach them things. For him to spoil them every now and then. I want my mom to have grandbabies that she can love on. I want my dad to have a little grandchild that can squat on the ground outside with him because they want to be like him.

Everyone says, "Just relax. You have plenty of time." The truth is, we really don't. And I know that adoption is an option (a very plausible one), but two years is a long time to wait. Have you ever dreamed of something so much that it was just an assumption that it would happen, until it does? That's me and children. I always wanted to have tons of children. And I always just assumed that it would happen. And it's not. And I try to pretend like it's all okay. But it really wounds my spirit. Why can't I be what I want to be so badly? Is it because I'd be a bad mother? Is it because of something I've done? I know that all I can do is wait on God. And I do. It's just so hard sometimes. He knows what is best, and I need to rely on that fact. He has a purpose for me, I just can't see it. And if I did, there couldn't be faith. I need to have faith that God knows what He is doing, and that regardless of what Paul or I want, it's going to be the best thing. Better than what we want.

God's plans are far more glorious than anything I could dream of. I am holding on to that. Barely, but I am. And as I mature and grow, I will learn to trust more completely. I will be able to rest in that fact. Maybe not always. I know that I will have my bad days, but I will rest in His arms. In His unknown reasons.

Sometimes I wish Jesus would materialize and hold me. Do you? I know that Robbie says the same thing. Sometimes I just want those physical arms to hold me. But then again, where would the faith be?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Baby Dust*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Darkness and Complacency

2006-03-28T10:32:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know it is irrational and childish, but I am afraid of the dark. I always have been and I still am. I'm not afraid of nighttime. I love the stars and a dark night. I am afraid of being in bed, being the only one awake-in the dark. Seriously. Lately, I have to sleep with the tv radio on. And if we're sleeping at the house I always end up playing my playlist on Windows Media Player all night long (it's nice because it gives off light from the movements too)! Seriously. Last night I was tempted to sleep with the covers over my head, something I used to do every night for YEARS. And I'm not sure why I have these fears, but I do.

Yes, I believe in ghosts. No, I don't think they're simply dead people's souls wandering around. I think they're demons sent by the devil to distract people from the truth. Which is fine, except that I have this fear of demons too. I know that Jesus dwells within me, therefore I don't have to fear. But for those of you who know anything about spiritual warfare know that it's easier said than done. I swear that I have heard them before. And I know that the devil is trying to scare me, but he succeeds more than I would like to admit.

Robbie and I have discussed this on several occasions. She has the exact same problem as me, and prays for a bubble to surround our house. She did this as a child too. And it's no wonder why we felt on edge against the devil. Think about it, in my childhood home we had a children's missionary/minister (mom), a future youth pastor (Robbie, whom I believe is going to be famous or at least make a huge impact on the world), a future pastor's wife, and Christians. Pretty nice target if the devil could stop those things from happening. It's just scary.

Paul doesn't believe me, but something was looking at me last night. I opened my eyes and there was something right there. I covered my head so fast! Oh well, you may think I'm crazy (sometimes I agree), but demons are out there and they torment me. I fell asleep thinking about the 23 Psalm and how Jesus is my Shepherd and I don't need anything. He is my Protector, so I don't need to be afraid. And I finally fell asleep. Yes, I am afraid of the dark.

Right now, I'm reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I went to the bookstore really looking for something good. I just have been searching so much lately. I don't want to be a complacent Christian, and yet that is what I have become. I want to help further the kingdom of God, not my own. I have lost my passion and desire to live like Christ. I really want to get that passion and fire back. The chapter I read (the first one) was about reveling in the experience itself, not the explanation or rationalization of it.

"The secular world of ideas plays the doubting game almost exclusively and is usually scornful of anyone who doesn't. Ironically, however, the church also plays this game to a great extent. The mystery of the gospel, the paradox of the incarnation, and the wondrous enigma of grace are freeze-dried into a highly rationalized and/or authoritarian system of theologies, codes, rules, prescriptions, orders of service, and forms of church government. Everything is written down, everything is organized, so that all can be certain and those in error detected." Daniel Taylor

I want to just revel in Christ. He is not theology, He is personal. It is a relationship, not a set of rules to follow. Honestly, theology doesn't matter. Really it doesn't. What matters is not that we have every point exactly right or that we all agree on everything. What matters is that we are walking daily with the Savior and living for Him. Faith is so much different than beliefs. Like the song says, "Faith is just believing what God says He will do. He will never fail us His promises are true." It's true.

I want to be on fire. I want to be a radical disciple that lives for Christ and Him alone. I get so worried sometimes that God is going to take Paul from me, because I love him too much. And I know that I do at times. I put Paul before God, and that's idolatry. I just want to be what God wants me to be. I am on a journey of rekindling my passion. I got another book yesterday as well (Yes, I know I shouldn't have spent the money, but I just feel so complacent and needed help-desperately). It's by Ted Dekker (non-fiction) and is called The Slumber of Christianity. It should be really good. I believe it's about how Christians used to sit on the edge of their seats in anticipation of Heaven, and we've lost that. Sure, we want to go there, but we don't hunger after it. We don't hunger after the return of Christ. And I want this so bad. The reason I love southern gospel so much-they are always singing about their journey to Heaven. Through the hills and the valleys-looking toward our Hope. And I think that it rocks. I long to be able to see Jesus. To have no more darkness and to have Him hold me in His arms.

I have been complacent far too long. I need to do something about it. I need to take action. I need to live again. Live the life that God has given me to live. Live it the way that God intended. I want to be passionate about nothing other than Christ!

Here's an excerpt from The Signature of Jesus that I want to share with you:

"This book is not a mincing pastoral, nor a series of well-behaved meditations for pious people. It is a book about being heroes and heroines for the sake of Jesus Christ-for the sake of no one less than Christ, and in such a fashion that only the eyes of Jesus need see. It is a summons to authentic faith and radical discipleship, to the purity of the gospel, to the high road to Calvary and the scandal of the Cross, to a life of freedom under the signature of Jesus."

So, here I go on this journey. I will have setbacks, but you should see a different me from here on out. If you don't-

call me on it.

Time

2006-03-23T11:12:00.000-06:00

Time is going by so fast. It really stinks because there is so much that I would like to do and see, but I don't have the time (or money!). People constantly say, "You have lots of time." But it just isn't true. Sure, there are moments that I wish would go by faster, but honestly I just wish time would slow down. I wish it would slow down enough so that I could suck all of the enjoyment and life out of each passing second. I was telling Paul last night that if I found out that I had cancer or something I would feel like I wasted the past week of my life on painting. I just wish we had more time. If he didn't have to work, we would have more time, but we just don't. Time just flies by so stinking fast and I can't seem to catch it. Paul and I decided when we moved here, that we would take advantage of the time we have together-particularly his day off. I think we've been doing a pretty good job of it. We go someplace new (or someplace that we love), on each of his off-days. So far we've been hiking at Starved Rock State Park, visiting Al Capone's grave, fish-watching at the Shedd's Aquarium, walking around Chicago in the evening, hunting down the nearest Red Robin (which isn't that near), and rollerblading at Perry Farm. I can't wait until our next adventure when we can spend some of the ever-fleeting time together.

To Be A Child

2006-03-14T11:25:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I just wish that I could be a child again. Things were so much easier then. I could play outside until it was dark, building forts and looking at the stars and bats. There was no concern for bills or what was going to happen the next day. If I was sick, my mom would take care of me. If I was hurt, my mom would bandage me. And if I was crying my mom would hold me. There are times when I say to Paul, crying, "I just want to curl up in my mom's lap." Sometimes it would be so much easier to be a child. I didn't have to try to figure out who I was and where I was going. I didn't have to think about being responsible. I could play and play and enjoy myself. I think that's why I never want to lose my childlikeness. Paul and I love to play in the rain, play sports, and just goof around. And I think that's important. I've seen so many couples that live like they are "old". They have lost something by not going out and playing soccer in the middle of a huge puddle and getting all dirty and wet. If you don't keep yourself doing things like this, where is the joy. I mean, I know there is joy. But think about how much more joy can be obtained by being childlike. I love it. However, the biggest reason why I would love to be a child again is because of faith. I don't remember a time that I didn't believe that Jesus had died for my sins, I really don't. And I never questioned anything. God created the world in six literal days, not a doubt in my mind. I still believe that, but there is so much more information threatening that. I didn't have to wonder about whether the Christian life would be hard or not, God would take care of me. And I still belive those things, but it becomes much more complicated. It becomes harder. It would be wonderful to be a child yet again. So much fun.

More Than Ever

Gaither Vocal Band

When I started my journey in fresh child like trust,

I believed that the Lord's way was best.

I would read in his Word how he mothered the bird,

And grieved when it fell from its nest.

How I felt his delight when I chose to do right,

And prayed I would not make him sad.

We would meet on the way in the cool of the day.

What a pure sweet communion we had.

Oh, But now more than ever I cherish the cross.

More than ever I sit at his feet.

All the miles of my journey have proved my Lord true,

And he is so precious to me.

Oh, the road I have traveled has sometimes been steep,

Through the wild, jagged places of life.

And sometimes I've stumbled and fallen so hard,

That the stones cut my soul like a knife.

But the staff of my sheperd would reach out for me,

And lift me to cool pastures green.

With the oil of the Spirit anointing my wounds,

There I'd rest by the clear, healing stream.

Is love's old sweet story too good to be true?

Do you find all this hard to believe?

Has the cruel world we live in so battered your heart,

That the hurt child inside you can't grieve?

I can't say I blame you, I've been where you are.

And all I can say is, 'It's true!'

You're wanted. You're precious. You're the love of His heart,

And the old rugged cross was for you.

Oh, he is so precious to me...yes! He is so precious to me.

Little Things

2006-03-10T15:27:00.000-06:00

I've had a stressful week, so I thought I'd make a list of the little things that make me smile.

~Children playing
~Sunshine
~Thunderstorms
~The sound of wind
~Music that speaks to my soul
~Photography
~Laughter
~Tulips
~Surprises
~Gnarled trees
~Warm spring rain
~Clothes that fit and look good
~Fresh air coming into the house

2006-03-09T00:56:00.000-06:00

Watch Videos:

When I Think About Cheatin' (Gretchen Wilson)
I'Ll Take You Back (Jeremy Camp)
My Front Porch Looking In (Lonestar)
Family Portrait (Pink)
Little Moments (Brad Paisley)
Boston (Augustana)

Video Codes by VideoCodeZone.Com

Stress

2006-03-02T14:48:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm stressed. No, I'm not depressed or anything. There is just so much going on right now around me that it's impossible not to be stressed.

Robbie and Brandon broke up. It's a long story, but they may end up together someday, they just need time apart right now. Robbie has been hurting so much and there's nothing I can do to help. She DOES seem to be more at peace today than she has all this week, so that's good. I took her out to lunch today and it was nice. I think she needed to get out of the house for a little while.

Evangeline and Brian are getting married, probably in April or May. I don't like Brian, and I'm not sure why. Maybe if I could get to know him better I might. I don't know. Evangeline is not really helping the situation because she won't come to see us ever or talk to me. She STILL hasn't told me herself that she is getting married. And it irritates me. I just love her so much and don't want to see her make a mistake that she'll regret. I just want the best for her. I want her to be with someone that loves her, shows her that, and doesn't put her down or hurt her. And I just want her to love me. And I don't think that she realizes that by not calling or visiting, it makes me feel like she doesn't want to see me. Like she doesn't want to love me anymore, even though she does. And I don't know how to tell her that without making her upset or pushing her away.

And the situations feel hopeless to me. And, as my wise beautiful mother reminded me, it isn't hopeless because God is still in control. And I know that. I just hate being in a place where I can't do anything. I just have to remind myself that I would rather have God watching over my sisters than myself. I would do a crappy job, I'm a mere human. He can comfort them, guide them, and support them better than anyone else. I just love them and seeing one hurt and the other have such low self-worth hurts me. It makes me sad and feel helpless. I just need to trust. I just need to believe that God will work everything out for my good and their good. I just want them both to seek God and trust Him. To have strong relationships with them.

It sucks. My position with it all sucks. And I'm glad it's not on me. It's on God, I just have to remember that.

Pray for us all: My parents, brothers, Paul, myself, and especially for Robbie, Evangeline, Brian, and Brandon.

Self-Portrait Tuesday

2006-02-28T17:08:00.000-06:00

50 Things

2006-02-26T23:32:00.000-06:00

50 things you may or may not know about me.

1. I love to make lists.
2. One of the new things I love is checking out people's blogs.
3. I love to vaccuum (and clean bathrooms).
4. I hate doing dishes!
5. I am a dog person (bigger dogs-labs or huskies)
6. I think that the only cool little dogs are French Bulldogs and Pandogs.
7. The one possession I want most is a Canon Digital Rebel.
8. I would rather be cold than hot.
9. Autumn is my favorite season, and I think autumn sounds waaaay cooler than saying Fall.
10. I LOVE the sound a fan makes as I'm going to sleep.
11. My favorite book is Wait Till Helen Comes (since elementary school).
12. I love to play the guitar and worship alone.
13. I dislike Michael W. Smith (except his instrumental stuff).
14.Sometimes I have to sleep with the closet light on (because I'm afraid of demons).
15. I want to take a Disney World vacation SO bad, but it's too expensive.
16. I have to have the toilet paper coming over the top of the roll.
17. I can still remember the one night terror that I had.
18. I used to sleep with my head under the covers-EVERY NIGHT for YEARS.
19. I got bit by a spider in my bed one night (and my brothers didn't believe me until morning).
20. Sometimes I fall asleep to lullabyes.
21. I keep a gratitude journal fairly unregularly.
22. I have a life list, but haven't really tried to accomplish my goals.
23. I would never want to live in a multi-million dollar home.
24. I want to drive my children around in a Honda Ridgeline.
25. I will soon be mentoring a young girl named Ashley.
26. When I swallow I swallow 65% air (I think since birth)-it's strange and makes me burp a lot!
27. I teared up whatching The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (Stinkin' symbolism!!).
28. I have been watching reruns of Roseanne, and I actually really like it!
29. I have a strong dislike of Martha Stewart, and yet I can't stop watching her show!
30. The back of my head has this weird "crater" in it.
31. I already know how I'm going to do my nursery, but I'm not telling!
32. I love to have my back scratched.
33. I love cemeteries.
34. I can't sleep with my feet out or armpits exposed, for fear of something tickling me.
35. I love thunderstorms and rainy days.
36. I can't sit "indian-style" for very long or my legs fall asleep.
37. Camping is my favorite way to vacation.
38. I would love to do carpentry.
39. I would love to live in an RV and travel the country.
40. I have a deep passion for the persecuted church.
41. I wish I could smuggle Bibles and meet underground church members.
42. I am a big daydreamer.
43. When scrapbooking, I can be myself.
44. I love unusual names.
45. Paul was my first boyfriend, first date, AND first kiss.
46. I am a worry-wart (but have made some serious improvement from when I was little).
47. Coldstone's Cake Batter ice-cream is my favorite treat!
48. Moon Monkey has the best coffees, and it's fair-trade!!!!!! (try the Full Moon)
49. If I wear headphones while playing Medal of Honor, sometimes I jump when getting shot.
50. I check to see if Paul's breathing-nightly!

So, how many new things did you learn about me today?

Unashamed

2006-02-24T17:34:00.000-06:00

Live Out Loud

Stephen Curtis Chapman

Imagine this... I get a phone call from Regis

He says, "Do you want to be a millionaire?"

They put me on the show and I win with two lifelines to spare

Now picture this... I act like nothing ever happened

And bury all the money in a coffee can

Well, I've been given more than Regis ever gave away

I was a dead man who was called to come out of my grave

And I think it's time for makin' some noise

Wake the neighbors, get the word out

Come on...crank up the music...climb a mountain and shout

This is life we've been given made to be lived out

So la la la la live out loud

Live out loud, yeah

Think about this...try to keep a bird from singing

After it's soared up in the sky

Give the sun a cloudless day and tell it not to shine

Now think about this... if we really have been given

The gift of a life that will never end

And if we have been filled with living hope we're gonna overflow

And if God's love is burning in our hearts we're gonna glow

There's just no way to keep it in

Every corner of creation is a living declaration

Come join the song we were made to sing

Check out the blog called Accidentally Poetic in the column at right. Her entry for today is really powerful and awesome! It really challanged me. I am convicted of this time and again, living for Jesus in a way that is unashamed and obvious to all around me. I really want to post a poem that Robbie wrote, and if she'll let me I will. I just want to be a shining light, a city on a hill, a beacon in the dark. And so often I am not. I want to be unashamed and act unashamed. I want to share a glimpse of my testimony and beliefs here as a small step in the right direction.

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I believe that He died on the cross so that I could be forgiven from my sins and that He came to life again. He lives in Heaven and wants everyone to join Him someday. Those who reject Him and choose to not follow, will go to Hell.

It makes me so sad to think that there are members of my own family that will be going to Hell. That there are so many people that I come into contact with that will not make it into Heaven. And I can have an impact on them. I can make a difference. I want to tell them that there is a way to get to Heaven. And I have failed many of them, many times. And I don't want to do that anymore. That is horrible! To almost guarantee my family members a trip to hell. I want to show them what they don't know already! I want them to know the urgency that I feel for them.

I don't know when I became a believer exactly. Like Alyson, I have believed in Jesus for as long as I can remember. (No, I don't think that there has to be a big "event" or "epiphany" kind of moment to become a Christian. I think that some children believe from the time they can remember. You may differ with me on that point, and that's fine. :-))

I join Bill Gaither's grandmother who, when asked in old age if serving Jesus was worth it replied, "The longer I serve Him, the sweeter He grows."

There really is no greater joy in my life than serving and growing with Christ. Right now, I'm not exactly sure what he would like me to do with my life, but just being in His presence is so wonderful.

My greatest desire is that those that I love and all those that I come in contact with will see His love through me. That they will know that I am a "God-follower" and am not ashamed.

I want to be unashamed.

God Follower

Stephen Curtis Chapman

My heart is restless as I wander through this jungle

The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through

And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings

That tell me I was made for more than this

A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkness

Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail

The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow

"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"

And I cry....

I want to be a God follower

I want to go wherever He leads

I want to be a God follower

I want to walk the trail He's marked for me

And be a God follower

(More than anything)

And now I journey on with purpose and with passion

Just like a dead man who's been given breath again

And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow

I know He will never leave me

So wth everything I am I will say...

And when I reach God's plac

I will look into His face

And then I'll look for you

Will I find you there?

Can you say with me...

I want to be a God follower

Everyday Things

2006-02-23T13:15:00.000-06:00

These are the everyday things that bring me joy/I love/make me happy:

1. Getting the mail ( I LOVE to get mail)
2. Listening to music
3. When Paul comes home from work
4. A sunny day
5. Watching Paul sleep
6. Illinois sunsets
7. Taking pictures
8. Inky black, starry skies
9. Trees
10. The 2 Peas message board
11. Looking at magazines (National Geographic/Backpacker/Scrapbook Mags)
12. Feeling close to God
13. Blogging
14. Snuggling up under my moose blanket
15. Planning out colors/set-ups for our new house
16. Feeling like I accomplished something
17. Checking/getting e-mails
18. Reading
19. Scrapbooking
20. Shopping and not buying anything!
21. Playing my guitar and worshipping-alone
22. Watching spring beginning to emerge
23. Planning our vacation (I can't wait to take Paul to Missouri!)
24. Having my back scratched
25. Creating my place in the world

I am so blessed. One of my intentions was to create daily gratitude. I have a notebook that I try to write five things I'm grateful for each night. It has really helped. Sometimes I have to really think of things that aren't just, "Paul" "family" "house". I try to think of specific reasons. Why am I thankful for Paul today? Etc. It sends me to bed thinking of the positive instead of the negative. It's a nice change from how I normally feel.

Today I'm trying to focus on the daily blessings in my life. I am so extremely blessed and I don't even deserve it. And that's the attitude I want to have each and every day!

Theology

2006-02-22T14:42:00.000-06:00

Why are people so wrapped up in theology? There is nothing wrong with learning about theology, don't get me wrong. And it is great to know what you believe and why you believe it. However, people generally use theology to their own personal gain. It starts arguments and divides the body of Christ. And I don't understand those that use it to distance themselves from other believers. Granted, there are a couple of important issues that Christians have got to agree on (Jesus is God's Son, he died and was resurrected, and there's no other way to Heaven), but to use petty things as an excuse not to fellowship is a sin. To say that your theology is exactly right and everyone else is wrong is putting yourself in the place of God. And you know what? It doesn't matter! It really doesn't. God knows what is true, why do I have to keep records for Him? We should try to know Him more and His will as well, but some things just don't matter. Who cares if a believer can lose their salvation or not? If you're saved you're going to Heaven and if you're not you're going to Hell. That's all that matters. While we sit around debating or refusing to work with such and such a denomination people are going to HELL! Eternal fire! Separation from God forever! Plain and simple.

Christianity is a relationship not a theology!

Please Come

Nichole Nordeman

Oh, the days when I drew lines around my faith

To keep you out

To keep me in

To keep it safe

Oh, the sense of my own self entitlement

To say who's wrong

Or won't belong

Or cannot stay

'Cause somebody somewhere decided

We'd be better off divided

And somehow despite the damage done

He says, "Come"

There is room enough for all of us

Please come

And the arms are open wide enough

Please come

And our parts are never greater than the sum

This is the heart of the One

Who stands before an open door

And bids us, "Come"

Oh, the times when I have failed to recognize

How many chairs

Are gathered there

Around the feast

To break the bread and break these boundaries

That have kept us

From our only common ground

The invitation to sit down

If we will come...

Come, from the best of humanity

Come, from the depths of depravity

Come now and see how we need

Every different bead

On this same string

Come...

So Alone

2006-02-21T01:49:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep, I haven't been able to fall asleep before 4am for several nights now. I have been up all by myself since about 9pm tonight. And it's now that I realize just how alone I really am. I have Paul (who is just wonderful) and Robbie (who is great), but I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to have lunch with, go shopping with, tell stories to, have over, scrap with, or anything. And I realized that the last time I really had a good friend to do things with was just after I went to Detroit. That's almost four years! Four years without anyone to share my deepest feelings with (outside of Paul and family)! And it really stinks, because I don't really know if I will ever have friends again.

It's so scary to me, and it makes me almost angry. Why can't I be outgoing like Robbie? Or any normal person. Why do I have such a hard time opening up to people and starting conversations? Why can't I make friends? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something that I can do or change to increase my chances of making friends? It's just so difficult and I don't want it to be.

I also want Paul to have friends, which is easier for him. I want him to be able to go do things with them and have them over. He at least gets to see the guys at work, which is nice. I want him to be able to connect with others like him, and I hope that when he starts school that he will.

I just don't know what to do. I am so alone in the world and at times that's okay. Then there are times like this, when I'm alone for five hours (after being alone all day), that I just wish I had someone to listen to me and be my friend.

I just can't help but wonder:
Am I too fat?
Am I too ugly?
Am I too shy?
Am I too stuck-up?
Am I too unauthentic?
Am I too unintelligent?
Am I too lazy?
Am I undeserving?
Am I unlovable?
Why would anyone want me for a friend?

The Real Me

2006-02-19T22:41:00.000-06:00

How many people know the real you? I mean, really know you fully? For me, there are not many who see the "real" me. I wear so many masks that sometimes it's hard to know where one ends and another begins. The funny thing is, I wear them out of fear. Fear of mere humans, whom I shouldn't even fear. I am afraid to show the true me because people might reject me and think me retarded. In March it is my intention to start peeling off the masks and showing people who I really am. To create authenticity. And I know it's going to be hard and that others may not join me, but it's something that I need to do. What masks do you wear? Who do you wear them around? When will you take them off?

Contemplativity

*Switchin' It Up*

*Questions*

*Uninspired*

*Sometimes*

*Calling*

*My Season*

*Quizzical*

*Myanmar*

*Cards*

*I*

*Ethics*

*Night Terrors*

*Living*

*Needs*

*Presidents*

*Passion*

*A Fallen World*

*Buying Babies*

*Losing Fight*

*Blessings*

*Daily Gratitude*

*Weather*

*Why*

*Darkness and Complacency*

*Time*

*To Be A Child*

*Little Things*

Watch Videos:

*Stress*

*Self-Portrait Tuesday*

*50 Things*

*Unashamed*

*Everyday Things*

*Theology*

*So Alone*

*The Real Me*

Switchin' It Up

Questions

Uninspired

Sometimes

Calling

My Season

Quizzical

Myanmar

Cards

I

Ethics

Night Terrors

Living

Needs

Presidents

Passion

A Fallen World

Buying Babies

Losing Fight

Blessings

Daily Gratitude

Weather

Why

Darkness and Complacency

Time

To Be A Child

Little Things

Stress

Self-Portrait Tuesday

50 Things

Unashamed

Everyday Things

Theology

So Alone

The Real Me