*Switchin' It Up*

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*Questions*

There are just so many questions swimming around in my head. Some are haunting, some are silly, some are serious and some raise more questions than answers. I'm not really sad about them. I just have been thinking a lot lately. I guess you'd say I am a bit contemplative. Life can be so complicated sometimes. And yet it's so simple in the same breath. It's easy: we are to follow God. Plain and simple. And yet, it's much more complicated than that.

Following God requires sacrifice and devotion. It requires stumbling and getting up and going as hard as we can until we are finished. It may require our very exsistences on this planet. And yet it's all about trust. Having faith that God is the one doing the work. Knowing that He is holding us and with us-no matter what.

My questions are not really earth-shattering. Most people would think they are from the mind of a simpleton. And yet they plague me. They are so important and unimportant all in the same breath. Am I making any sense?

It all has to do with life. What battles are worth fighting and what aren't? Who am I? Who should I be? Am I ever going to be where I am supposed to be? Is God ever going to firmly let me know what His plans are for me? Will I ever lose weight so that others are happy with me? Am I ever going to be completely healthy?

These are just a few questions that swim inside of my mind. They don't consume me, but they are relentless in their pursuit of my attention. And I still don't know whether to move or stand still and let God move. I don't even have an inkling about what to do. And people might suggest everything. Try this or that. And I appreciate it, but I still don't know what God wants me to do. And His opinion is the only one that matters. Not even Paul's matters when compared to that. And so I go on searching and trying to figure it all out.

Maybe I just need to trust. Stop trying to figure it out. I know that I can't really do anything. He's the one who will perfect me and hold me and guide me. And maybe I just need to let go and just rest COMPLETELY in Him. I don't know.

I just keep remembering that what God has for me is far better than what I could imagine. I just wish I had a manual of "Step by Step instructions on what Rachel should do". Maybe I just need to read through the Bible and cultivate what needs to be cultivated. Maybe God's plan for me is not to be anything right now, but to learn. Maybe he doesn't have a "job" in mind for me right now because He wants to teach me other things. Maybe He wants me available for that one single moment when it's vital that I am here-for His glory and kingdom. I don't know. In the meantime, I'll just keep searching and trusting and praying. And I know that God will guide me. In His time.

But sometimes, it would be nice if I could pick the time!! ;o)

*Uninspired*

Life for me, lately, seems so uninspired. I mean, I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not really apathetic. I just don't know which direction to go. I don't have any-I guess inspiration is the best word. I mean, I finally have a goal. I know where I want to be-I just am having trouble figuring out what I want to do to get there. I have the desire, but at the same time I'm lacking desire. KWIM?

I tend to be a deep thinker-and yet not a deep talker. I keep my thoughts to myself usually. So, I think about all that I would like to do with my life. I think about the fact that I want to live by Paul's motto: Acting like we're young while we're young. Seizing the day. I think about the social/political/moral change that I would like to see happen. And I think about how seemingly impossible it is for me to implement it or influence it in any way. And then I think about all I would like to to for God-the people I would like to reach, the places I would like to go. And I think about all of the limitations that I have preventing me from doing all of this.

It's really hard to know what to do and what not to do. I always think that it would be nice if God gave us exact instructions on what to do and where to go. And I always say, "If He did, we wouldn't have to trust. And if we didn't have to trust Him, we would all be stupid and never learn anything." And so, in comes the truth of it all. I have to trust God and let Him move or move me. I have to remain open to His will and listen for His direction.

What happens when you're not hearing? What do you do then? Do you move on your own? Do you just wait? Do you listen harder? And with those questions come others. Why am I not hearing Him? Am I doing something against Him? Am I not listening with the right heart attitude? Am I living my life the way that I should?

I end up back at the beginning. Not knowing what to do or where to go or how to change my life. It's a hard place to be. I never know why God puts me in this place. I know that it causes me to rely on Him for answers. It makes me wait on Him. Because if I wait on Him I will..."rise on wings of eagles and soar". He will give me direction and it will be even more grand than I could've imagined.

I know there are things that I need to correct and do more of. I fail-a lot. Everyone does, I think. They just don't let it show. They hide it and pretend to be oh so spiritual. They strive for perfection and miss the mark. It's a human-thing. And I embody it more that I would like-or should. I am striving for perfection. It's what God expects of me. If I wasn't striving for perfection-it wouldn't bother me near as much as it does when I fail.

I have this great fear-and I think it's good-of moving without God's direction. The old adage "God helps those that help themselves" doesn't ring true with me. Yes, I am His hands and feet. I wan to do all I can for Him and His Kingdom. I want to serve until I can't serve anymore. However, I don't do anything without knowing that it is His will. I know sometimes He'll close the doors right in front of me. I know that He'll lovingly redirect me if I get off of the path. I know that sometimes I'll move on my own. But I don't want to. I want to follow Him-not lead Him. I want to follow Him-not test Him. I want to follow Him-not push Him. I want to follow Him-not make Him into what I think He should be. I want to be like Him.

People may say that you have to take that first step yourself. Well, you do have to simply trust and go in His direction. But I do think that it is possible to do only what God wants of us. I think it is possible to do only His will and not our own-ALWAYS. Jesus did. I know that Jesus was perfect, but He was just like us. He was fully human. And yet, He always did what God wanted Him to do. He always asked for God's direction.

That is my goal. To seek out what He wants of me. To do what He asks of me. And to follow Him always. I can't do anything that He doesn't allow. But just because He allows it, doesn't mean it's the best thing. Or what He would have for us. So, here goes.

I am going to find some inspiration from the only place true inspiration dwells. I am going to spend some time in the presence of my Father. I am going to allow Him to teach me and inspire me and lead me and mold me. I am going to allow Him to make me whole again and breathe newness into me. I want to be reminded that God requires three things of me. To do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with Him. I think that I'm already starting to find myself again.

*Sometimes*

If you haven't heard this song by Nicole C. Mullen you're missing out. It describes life so perfectly. Lately I've had an overwelming peace that has kept me from feeling bad about not having children. I have been so at ease about everything. Resting in the fact that I don't need or deserve children and that God has perfect timing. And then the wind blows and the storms come up and my peace is disturbed.

All of a sudden like four or five different people (scrappers that I read blogs of) have announced their pregnancies. Seriously, I have no animosity toward them. I'm not jealous. I am extremely elated for these women. Really. It just hits me hard. It makes me sad. For those of you who have never had fertility problems-let me explain a little.

Each month is like a roller coaster. You hope and pray that your period won't come. When it does you grieve. Much like losing a child that you already have. For me-you add in the fact that my period isn't regular (sorry for TMI). So, it comes time for my period and it doesn't come. And it doesn't come. And you start to wonder. And you try not to wonder because it's just how it is. You wait as long as you can to take a pregnancy test. You take the test after waiting a month to a month and a half and it comes out negative. Every month is the same. It's devastating. (BTW, I haven't taken a test in a loooooong time) It really is a greiving process.

Someone explained it so that men could understand it better. It's like this: a man-what's his primary concern? Providing for his family. That's his job. If he couldn't provide for his family he would be devestated. Well, my greatest desire and function is to have children. To have that taken away is taking away the very core of a woman.

Anyway, I'm a little sad today-again. And yet, I know that I will come through it. I know that I will survive. Life is about fulfilling God's purpose and His will-not my own. It's just a hard day. It seems like everyone is pregnant and I'm not.

It's all gonna be okay. God knows what I'm feeling. He grieved over the loss of His own Son as well. You think about how big God is-just imagine that grief

Have a great day and remember to count your blessings each and every day-it helps!

*Calling*

I have been wondering about my calling. I mean, I know I am to follow God and do what He wants. That's the problem though, I'm not really sure what He wants me to do. I've really been agonizing over it-especially today. There are a few things that I think I could do. I really love to work with people, but I'm not really social. I love to take pictures. I love to scrapbook. There are a couple of things I would love to do.

I would love to be a photographer. I know that my skills need work, but this is something that I think I really could do. The next step is figuring out what I would want to photograph. I want to offer something that another person wouldn't. Maybe photographing parties and get-togethers. After taking pictures at Madeline's party I've been thinking about that. Most moms and dads are really busy and want to enjoy the day. What if I took pictures for them? If you read this-please give me your opinion. I would do bridal/baby showers, birthday parties, anniversary parties, family reunions, graduation open houses, etc. Would you hire someone to take pictures at your event? What events? How much would you be willing to spend? Would you want prints offered-or would just the CD-Rom be okay? Would you want me to edit pictures (black and white or fun things)? It's just a thought that I'm wondering if I should more seriously pursue.

I would love to make albums for Altzheimer's patients. This is something that I would love to do. I know that albums of family are so precious to those losing their memory. I just think it would be cool. I would just charge for the cost of supplies-as it is already a trying time.

I don't know. PLEASE give me your opinions! I would love to hear what ANYONE thinks. Even if you think the idea sounds stupid!

*My Season*

You Are Spring!

HopefulPlayfulSweetFreshAiry

What Season Are You?

*Quizzical*

Some people find these quizzes annoying. I love them. It's a way I can share things that I normally wouldn't think to share. So, here goes.


1. FIRST NAME: Rachel

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I'm not sure. Father's Day-happy tears.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yuppers.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Ham-not the honey kind though, it has to be baked. Of course right now all I eat is Smoked Turkey-it's okay.

6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No :(

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Maybe, probably not. Unless I had the same personality and everything that I have now-Yes.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes, I have two, but I don't write in them very often. I used to write tons.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Not really.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes-and not think twice about it. I would prefer it be over water though.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I generally wear flip-flops. If I wear laced shoes-no.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes-even my brothers say I'm an ox.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Mint Chocolate Chip and Peanut Butter Cup

16. SHOE SIZE: 9 1/2

17. RED OR PINK? Red

18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My stomach-I'm working on it!

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My parents, sisters and brothers.

20. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Feb 16, 1983 in Ionia, MI

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Khaki Shorts and I'm barefoot (as usual).

22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? An apple and a glass of milk.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nothing, thanks for reminding me to put some music on!

24 IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I'd be a special crayon that would change colors with my mood and desires!

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Paul's neck, and the lilac WallFlower.

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? Scott

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? Their smile.

28. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can play the piano. Um, nothing else.

29. FAVORITE DRINK? Right now it's water-honest. I do love me a special root beer though.

30. FAVORITE SPORT? Basketball.

31. HAIR COLOR: Blonde, although it's getting darker as I'm getting older.

32. EYE COLOR: Blue with brown/gold around the pupil. Sometimes they're more greenish, other times bluish.

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No

34. FAVORITE FOOD? Mexican and Mom's biscuits

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Scary movies

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? A grey t-shirt.

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Autumn, then spring then summer and winter.

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Strawberry Shortcake

41. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers

42. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Nothing, I have a laptop.

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Children's laughter, a rushing river, babbling stream, waterfall, birds, wind blowing through prairie grass, wind blowing through leaves, I could keep going.

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME Seattle, Washington

46. IF YOU COULD PICK ANY TWO PEOPLE TO HAVE DINNER WITH, WHO WOULDTHEY BE The President and Laura Bush.

*Myanmar*

I want to bring to your attention and prayers the country of Myanmar. This little country is #18 on the Open Doors World Watch List. This list ranks the top 50 countries where Christians are being persecuted. They have about 40 million people in the country and 5 to 10 percent of those are Christian. Voice of the Martyrs is present in that country and helps to train, equip and encourage the believers there. Please remember the Christians there this week. They are our brothers and sisters and they need to be uplifted. If you would like for information you can click on the VOM blog banner below. Or you can check out the VOM website here.